I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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