Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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