Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
