He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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