My friends, they love my intelligence
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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