hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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