Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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