Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
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