can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
