did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
