Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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