I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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