you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
