I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize