I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
