Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
