My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize