Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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