I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
