lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
