Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
