I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
