I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
