Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
