Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
