Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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