Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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