The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Woke up backwards on a recliner
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
