He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize