I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
