For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
