he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
