Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Randomize
