Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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