Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
