i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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