Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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