why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
