Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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