1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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