dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
