The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
