It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Semen is not good for contacts.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
