like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
