The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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