Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i love accidental penises.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
