FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
