1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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