we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Ladies don't puke and tell
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
