I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
