i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just gargled with NyQuil
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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