I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We're not piercing ourselves today.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
