I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
