im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My penis needs a shock collar
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
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