I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
