I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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