What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
