just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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