I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
