if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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