I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
