It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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