if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The feeling are messing with the penis
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
