someone get that fucking seahorse.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
