Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
