Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
